I refuse to believe in incurable diseases, but I’m starting to dread the winter. Medications did not work for me long term. So I say it’s all made up. Not a real thing. A move to Florida. More sunshine in my life. All is well.
Looking at the big picture; life is good. Today I want to tear this big picture into shreds. Claw down the framework with my fingers. Burn up the insides. Build a tent with the remaining pieces. Crawl under the tent. Hit at the ground. Cry until my body has no more tears. Then sleep until I am no longer tired.
“Seems like a dramatic reaction to the time change.” (Internal voice)
“Yes, I know.” (Internal voice)
Most likely I will stay in my bed an extra hour. Maybe read. Nothing special. Life as usual.
But it’s the usual I’m afraid of.
After living years with “depression”, the pending transition to winter months is still stirring up feelings of apprehension. It’s an old pattern that I recognize with seasonal changes. Which means the sadness could simply be due to less light in the day hours. Or one of the many other triggers I regularly discuss. Neurotransmitter imbalances stress, trapped emotions, nutritional deficiencies, sugar, hormones, metal toxicity, abusive relationships, financial fears, raising a teenager alone, being introverted, too many sitting hours, not enough exercise, too much wine, gut health, genetics, etc. etc. etc.
I have explored these many possibilities extensively. Consumed them like an all-you-can-eat buffet. It all seems delicious by appearance but many bathroom visits to follow.
Why do I still experience days that require MAGIC STRENGTH to exist outside of my personal space? I feel safety is inside my walls.
I know I’m not alone in feeling that separation. I’m also not alone in working to clear out whatever is the cause. My experiences, studies, and words are my art. When I can share something that may provide a minute of relief to someone else, my life returns. And expands. I cannot sing, paint, or draw. Or dance well… I am a connector. A connector with big dreams. I find sharing my story as one way to lift out of the sadness.
My suggestion, if you experience similar struggles with the time change or depression: take the hour this weekend and express your art. If you don’t have a creative passion, look for something new. Write down your best qualities. Play with them. Share them. Let someone else see the gifts that you hide.
Imagine this being the season we disrupt the time-change story.
To reach Jenny for Reality Wellness: firstname.lastname@example.org
Reality Wellness Specialist